2010

"2009 was an amazing year and i want to trust God with everything that 2010 holds for me and for you!"

that was the last sentence of the last post...almost a year ago!

2010 was QUITE a year...

in march we moved to our new home....we put a lot of work and effort into this project, but it was definetely worth it! we still say almost every day how much we like and enjoy our home! it is so good to have a place like that! and even though it was a lot of work and a stressful time, it was also a common project for Flo and me and it was good to start our marriage in a place where none of us has lived before...

when i look back now to this year, i have to say that it was a tough year. it is hard to put it into a few sentences, but i try anyways...

dunno when it happened, but at the beginning of 2010 i started to feel exhaustet and tired...i thought the reasons for that was the stressful time of planning the wedding, then planning the move and the renovating. and of course i also have a stressful job as a nurse on a cancer unit, working there as a manager. add some church-ministry and a personality that always wants to give his best...i ended up being totally worn out, not even having energy for leisure anymore...i didn't want to spend time with people anymore and if someone started a sentence with "Alex, could you...." i wanted to scream and run away : "No, i can not!!!"

I ignored all the tears and the tiredness and thought: it will get better after the holidays, i need some rest, that's all...

but then i started to have medical issues. my heartbeat was way too fast and i had panic attacks during work. my doctor read the signs well and gave me a sick slip and the advice to go and see a psychologist for some therapy. diagnosis: Burn-out-syndrome.

i was shocked and it was hard to admit that i need help. i felt so out of it, so not being my normal self anymore...

everybodys elses life seemed to be so normal and i was sitting at home, not even able to enjoy the off time. i was not able to relax, to read a book, to watch a movie or to do anything fun.

i thought about a lot of things in these weeks at home and i decited to quit my job as a head-nurse and only work as a "regular" nurse after i would go back to work.

and in the middle of these thoughts i found out that i was pregnant!! we had hoped for a pregnancy from the very beginning of our marriage and to find out that God answered this prayer in the middle of a burn-out-syndrome was really surprising, but i a good way, of course....i was so happy!! deep inside my heart i was always afraid that i could not have children, and i felt so blessed in the middle of the adversity and thought that that must be God's way out of my crisis. i could tell my boss that i'm pregnant and then i would not have to work as a manager anymore! i would not have to tell everyone in the hospital that i felt not able to do this job anymore, it seemed such an easy way out of all my troubles...

but from the very beginning of my pregnancy i was also scared that i would loose this child. i can not say where this fear came from. maybe because i was not feeling emotionally well, during this burn-out-crisis. maybe because i knew from the very beginning that something would go wrong. maybe beause i felt_ this is just too good to be true....? i don't know. but i had this fear in my heart from the moment i found out that i'm pregnant, until the day that the doctor told me that i had a miscarriage and that i would have to go to the hospital to have a surgery. i was 9 weeks pregnant at that time.

that was 3 months ago. shortly after the miscarriage i didn't feel too bad. i was sad, but also this fear was gone that was sitting inside my heart for 5 weeks. so i felt strangely relieved at the beginning. and also, i felt physically better than during the pregnancy.

Flo was an amazing support for me during these weeks! our marriage was quite challenged from the beginning!

we left for a short holiday to the netherlands, visiting friends in amsterdam and spending some quiet days at the coast.

when we came back, normal life started again.

but what is normal after you lost your first child? nothing feels normal anymore. we were about to become parents and we were excitingly preparing our hearts, minds and our home for that task. and now, we are back to being a couple an rewinding our lives to the way of life, before we found out that i was pregnant.

i wish i could tell you that i learned something significant this year, or that i'm still standing strong despite the heartache and the pain. i can not tell you that. i'm still feeling very weak and hurt and angry and dissapointed.

i try to move on and let go, but this kind of loss is new in its intensity and i don't know how to handle it yet.

i'm still in the middle of this difficult time, but i am really thankful for my husband, who upholds me in prayer, who is there to dry all these tears and who helps me to not loose hope or faith or both.

it is hard to trust God at times. but what else can we do?

p.s.

we are married now for three months! and since i wrote so much about my thoughts BEFORE the big day, i now wanna share how it actually was and what's happened since then...

as you all know i was so excited and impatient and nervous and giddy----counting down the days, the minutes and hoping that everything would work out well...
people keep asking me if the wedding day went the way i hoped it would (probably because they thought that i was way too stressed and making too much fuzz about everything), but i have to say that it was all worth it and that it was even more special and beautiful than everything i could have hoped for...
some of my personal highlights:
-the moment we met in front of my house and Flo saw me in the dress: i felt so beautiful as i saw his smile and the love in his eyes!
-when the rain not only stopped: but the sun came out so we were able to take really amazing pictures in the Schwetzinger Schloßgarten!
-the church-service!! i loved everything about it, especially when we walked down the aisle and looked in all our friends and families faces---, the service itself, the music, the sermon, the ceremony...and the reception, getting hugs and seeing so many smiling faces! i will never forget these moments of shared joy!
-the atmosphere at the location in the evening. it was quite cold, but everyone tried to ignore that and decited to have a good time anyways...it was so special to celebrate with 100 of our friends and family, to eat and drink, to laugh and dance! i loved the program our friends put together and we enjoyed every minute of it!
-when Flo sang this song for me as a surprise!
-the huge wedding-cake
-unwrapping a ton of gifts the next day!
-having our dutch friends stay with us the next day and have time to share!

there are many many more memories in my heart and i just wanna say THANK YOU again to all of you who prayed for the day, who helped in pracical ways to make it happen and who celebrated with us! it was awesome!!

and now a little update on what's happend in the last three months:

-first of all: we are HAPPILY married! i didn't really think much about the time AFTER the big day, but i realise more and more that THIS is even better! anybody that says that nothing really changes when you marry hasn't got a clue!! i have never felt such a bond with someone before and i know this is only the beginning! and i have never felt so loved, so secure, so at peace with any decision i made in my life! and this feeling somehow doesn't wear off. it gets deeper and more meaningful every day!

-the next big step:
after we were finished with all the renovation and setting up our home we were offered to move into a much bigger appartment for almost the same amount of money. that means in march we will move again and i hope this time the wall-colors will have a chance to dry before we make any other plans! ;-)

wow, i guess this is it for the moment. i guess you can tell that i am very happy and feel so blessed!
2009 was an amazing year and i want to trust God with everything that 2010 holds for me and for you!